When to Stop Messaging a Woman: The Gentleman’s Guide

When to Stop Messaging a Woman: The Gentleman’s Guide

When a lady replies to a message, it’s a fucking victory. 

You spend a lot of time and vitality looking at OkCupid, studying profiles, and crafting good messages.  So when a lady lastly replies, and also you’re having an ongoing dialog, it looks like a whole success.  And it’s!

But what in the event you ask her to meet…and he or she says, “not yet”?  What in the event you’re the just one conserving the dialog going?

Maybe she’s simply in search of consideration, or not likely interested by assembly somebody for actual.  Don’t let her waste your time.  You deserve to discover a lady who’s excited to meet you, an individual.

But in spite of everything that effort spent to get a reply, it may be onerous to inform when you need to cease messaging a lady.

Here are the frequent conditions guys get caught in.  They’re simple to establish and stop:

1) You’re the ego-stroker.

How to inform it’s taking place:  You’ve been messaging a lady for greater than 2 weeks or 6 despatched and returned messages.  Your messages are well-thought-out and humorous.  You ask questions and preserve the dialog going.  Basically, you’re superior at messaging.

She, alternatively, writes minimal replies, doesn’t ask you any questions, and lets days go between messages.

You’ve introduced up the assembly at the very least as soon as, however, she ignores your invites, says she has different plans or retains saying she’s not prepared.

What to do:  Move on. This lady-douche’s ego is already inflated, and also you don’t want to make it any greater.  If she had an actual curiosity in assembly you, she would have agreed to it (or urged an alternate time, or given a real purpose why she didn’t need to meet but).

What to say:  “Shit or get off the pot.”  And make it clear you’re getting off the pot.

A extra well mannered however nonetheless decisive means of claiming this: “Well, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but it seems like you’re not really interested in meeting.  Let me know if you are.  Otherwise, good luck on here.”

2) You’re the hand-holder.

How to inform it’s taking place:  You’re messaging a lady who appears actually cool.  You’re each interested in one another, you’re each conserving the dialog going, and it looks as if you’d have a nice first date.

The sole downside is, she says she isn’t “ready” to meet but.

Maybe it’s her first foray into online dating and he or she’s a little nervous.  Or perhaps she feels extra snug opening up to somebody in writing, quite than to an individual.

You really feel prefer it’s a respectable purpose – nevertheless it’s been a few weeks of those (in any other case nice) messages, and also you’re not in search of a pen pal.

What to do:  First, resolve how much longer you may deal with messaging without assembly.  Per week?  A month?

What to say:  Let her know you perceive her issues.  Say you’ve actually loved getting to know her, however, need to ensure you each really feel the chemistry in individual.  Suggest a fast date (espresso, lunch) in a very public place.

She says, “Yes!”  Awesome!  Start planning the primary date!

She says, “Not yet.”  Remember your time restrict.  Tell her you’d actually desire to meet after X period of time (no matter what you are determined), however, ask what you are able to do to make her extra snug.  You may present to her you don’t have anything to disguise by providing to pal her on Facebook or ask if she desires to Skype, textual content, or discuss on the cellphone.

When you’re closing in on that point restrict, ask her once more in regards to the quick date in a public place.

She says, “Still not ready.”  Politely, say one thing like this: “I understand your concerns, and I’d love to meet you when you’re ready.  But I’ve found it’s important to meet someone in person to see if we’re a good fit.  You and I have been having such a great time talking, I think we will be!  But like I said, I do understand if you’re not ready.  It seems like we each need to do what’s right for us.  I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, so definitely get back in touch when you’re feeling more comfortable.”

If this doesn’t spur her into motion, it’s time to transfer on to somebody who’s psyched to meet you.

3) You’re doing ALL the work.

How to inform it’s taking place:  You two have a lot in frequent, and also you each genuinely appear to be having fun with one another’s messages.  The sole downside is, that you’re the just one conserving the dialog going by asking questions and mentioning new subjects.  You’re starting to really feel like her conversational slave.

What to do:  First of all, it sounds as if you’re a conversational winner!  Next, strive to determine if she’s simply a little socially inept, or fully self-centered.

Would the messages grind to a halt in the event you didn’t ask her any extra questions, or introduce new subjects of dialog?  Put it to the check.  

What to say:  Reply to her subsequent message however don’t add extra.  For instance: say you requested her about a band you each like.  She answered your query, however, didn’t ask you something in return to proceed with the dialog.  So you do the identical: “Yeah, I’m really excited for The Gaslight Anthem’s new album, too.  I’ve heard it’s gonna be pretty different stuff for them, so that’ll be cool.”

Don’t add the rest.  It’s up to her to consider one thing subsequent.

What subsequent:  If she replies with a new subject or a query, congratulations!  She most likely simply wanted some prompting.  And – bonus! – she’s positively interested in speaking to you.

If she doesn’t say something again?  Maybe she has nothing to speak about when she’s not speaking about herself.  Maybe she’s not interested in making an effort to preserve the dialog going.  Drop it prefer it’s sizzling.

(If you continue to have some effort left and nonetheless really feel she’s price assembly in individual, recommend that.  But be ready to preserve the dialog going the entire date, too.)

4) You notice you don’t have something infrequent.

How to inform it’s taking place:  You begin messaging a lady as a result she appears cool, however now you’re wracking your mind for stuff to speak about in each message.  Nothing she’s mentioning is clicking for you, both.

What to do:  Don’t waste any extra time (for each your sakes).  It’s OK to really feel a bit bummed, responsible, and even inconvenienced.  But this is the purpose of dating: getting to know somebody and deciding in the event you’re a match.

However, she is perhaps pondering issues that are going simply effective.  So don’t do a gradual fade or drop off the earth – that might confuse her and/or harm her emotions.

What to say:  A well mannered goodbye.  It’s labored for me to say a model of this:  “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you these past couple of days/messages, and you seem like a great girl.  But unfortunately, I don’t think we’re a match.  Thank you for taking the time to get to know me, too.  I wish you all the best with your search!”

Sure, her ego could get a little bruised.  But I’ve discovered that most individuals will write again, appreciative for the heads-up, and need my luck, too.  Nothing incorrect with a little good karma!

5) You simply began seeing somebody and need to give attention to that.

Congratulations!  May you by no means hang-out OkCupid once more!

Before you log out, give a heads-up to another woman you have been messaging.  Sure, you didn’t make any guarantees right here, nevertheless, it’s well mannered to inform them what’s occurring.

What to say:  A well-mannered goodbye related to: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you these past couple of days/weeks/messages, and you seem like a great girl.  But I actually just started seeing someone, and I want to see where it goes.  Thank you for taking the time to get to know me, too.  I wish you all the best with your search!”

Most ladies will recognize that you just gave them a heads-up – even when they’re bummed to cease messaging you.

And BONUS:  If issues don’t work out with the lady you’re seeing, those you had been speaking to are perhaps glad to choose up the place you left off – particularly realizing how elegant you have been the primary time round!


It sucks to get caught in a dud messaging scenario.  These suggestions will help you determine if the scenario is price saving and the way to deal with it.  Remember: you deserve to meet a lady who’s excited to meet you, an individual!

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